Martin (John Amplas), a young man who looks around 20-years-old, boards a train in Indianapolis, Indiana for New York. At night, he breaks into a sleeping car and sedates a woman with a syringe full of narcotics. She struggles, but he tells her not to struggle or be upset because she wont feel pain. After a few minutes, the woman falls asleep, and Martin has sex with the unconscious woman. Afterwards, he slices her wrists with a razor blade so he can drink her blood. The woman bleeds to death in her sleep.
In the morning, the train stops in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania where Martin disembarks. He is met by Tata Cuda (Lincoln Maazel) an elderly and hostile old man who claims to be his cousin from the Old World. Together, they travel by another train to the town of Braddock, a dying industrial suburb. They walk to Cuda's large house where he shows Martin his living quarters. Cuda then accuses Martin of being an 84-year-old vampire from his old country. He has taken in Martin because he is family, but tells him, "First I will save your soul. Then I shall destroy you." Martin denies being a vampire and implies that Cuda is merely his uncle rather than his cousin. Cuda then puts up strings of garlic on the doors to his and his granddaughter's room, and then holds up a small cross when Martin approaches him. Martin takes away the cross, and even takes a bite of the garlic mocking these attempts by saying bitterly, "There's no real magic... ever". Cuda tells Martin that he can come and go as he pleases. But he also warns Martin that he will kill him if he kills anyone in Braddock. He also tells Martin to stay away from his granddaughter Christine (Christine Forrest), whom arrives home from her job that evening.
Cuda introduces Christine to Martin, but also warns her to stay away from him. But Christine instead strikes up a friendship with Martin who confides in her about his vampire heritage. When Cuda later confirms Martin's claims to be a vampire, Christine, not surprisingly, refuses to believe either one. She thinks that Cuda and the other members of her family have driven Martin to insanity by making him think that he is a vampire. It is never revealed if Martin really is a vampire, or just a shy and lonely youth with troubled issues. Christine is the only person that Martin gets the courage to talk to. When Christine's boyfriend Arthur (Tom Savini) arrives at the house for dinner, Martin stops talking and backs away despite Arthur's attempt at a conversation. Christine later confides in Martin that she hopes to leave Braddock someday with Arthur, even though Martin points out that Arthur treats her badly and is both verbally and physically abusive towards her.
When Christine sees that Martin won't talk to anyone else, she buys him a phone which he installs in his room. Martin begins to repeatingly call a radio talk show where he describes what it's like to be a vampire. He becomes known on the radio as "the Count" to all the listeners. But the patronizing host (Michael Gornick) thinks he's just crazy.
Martin gets a job at Cuda's grocery store of stocking shelves, hauling boxes around, and even gets to be a delivery boy for some of the customers. One of his customers is a certain Abby Santini (Elyane Nadeau), who becomes taken in with Martin. She is a very friendly young woman who is depressed when she tells Martin that her husband is unfaithful. But Martin still does not have the nerve to talk with her, so she is happy to have someone to confide in with her life problems. Martin phones the radio show host to describe his infatuation with the housewife and senses that she wants to have sex with him. When the radio show host asks Martin if it is a sexual problem that he has involving women criticizing him during sex, Martin replies that he has never had sex with a woman who was awake.
One day, Martin travels by train to outside Braddock to look for victims. At a supermarket, he follows a young woman (Sarah Venable) home to her posh suburban house. He sees the woman's husband (Richard Rubenstein) leave for a long business trip, and Martin decides this would be the right time for more feeding. Martin returns to the house after dark and breaks in through the garage door. But it is Martin who gets the surprise when he bursts into her bedroom to find her in bed with her adulterous lover Lewis (Al Levitsky). After a vicious struggle, Martin jabs both of them with hyprodermic needles with narcotics, and waits for the drugs to take affect. He drags the unconscious body of Lewis from the house to a clump of trees across the street where he kills him by shoving a broken tree branch into his neck and drinks his blood. Martin returns to the house where he has sex with the unconscious woman. But out of compassion and pity, he decides to let her live.
Martin begins to have romantic monochrome visions of his vampire past (real or imagined), where he drained blood from a young woman and was chased through the streets of a nameless European town by a torch-lit mob.
During one Sunday at church, Cuda brings home Father Howard (George A. Romero) who asks him about the possibility of exorcism and demon possession. Father Howard calls upon the elderly Father Zulemans (Clifford Forrest, Jr.) over at Cuda's request. Together, Cuda and Zulemans confront Martin his bedroom and attempt to perform an exorcism on him. At this point, Martin remembers (another real or imaginary flashback), in the Old Country of people trying to perform an exorcism on him, and he flees them. Martin then flees from Cuda and Zuelmas as well. A little later that night, Martin terrorizes Cuda in a children's playground when he puts on a Dracula cape and puts false fangs into his mouth to pretend that he really is a vampire.
One day, Martin finally musters the courage to talk with Mrs. Santini during a routine delivery to her house where he tells her that he's aware of her attempts to seduce him and wants now to have sex with her. After having sex for the first time, Mrs. Santini becomes more depressed for she tells Martin that her husband just left her because she discovered that she cannot bear children, and that her desires towards him are based on sex and nothing else. But Martin wants to stay with her and help her move on with her life. Martin tells the radio show host about his affair with the housewife and that he no longer has the urge to attack other women.
Meanwhile, Arthur meets with Cuda and tells him that he wants Christine to leave town with him so they can get married and start a family. But Christine becomes angry at Cuda when he tells Arthur that insanity runs in their family and he shouldn't consider having children with her. Shortly afterwards, Christine packs up and leaves Braddock for New York with Arthur despite Martin telling her that Arthur is abusive towards her. But her mind is made up. Before leaving, Christine tells Martin that she really has no ill feelings towards him and just wants to make a fresh start with her life. She says goodbye to him and promises to write. But Martin knows that with an abusive and possessive man in Christine's life, she probably won't.
Depressed over losing his one true friend, Martin phones the radio show host and tells him that he's getting "shaky" and wants to go out looking for more victims. That night, Martin travels to a rough crime-ridden area of Pittsburgh and attacks two derelicts in a alley, injecting them with narcotics. He kills one of them by silting the bum's wrist and drinking his blood. Martin is about to kill the second one when a police car shows up and gives chase. Martin narrowly escapes during a long chase on foot which leads from the garbage strew streets and through a local store. Martin runs into an old warehouse where a drug deal is going down. A shootout between the two cops and the three thugs begins where all of them are killed, leaving Martin as the sole survivor who casually walks away from the carnage.
One day, Martin finds Mrs. Santini dead in her bathtub, after she had slit her writs with a razor blade. Martin anonymously calls the police to report the body and leaves. He phones the radio show host one final time to say that he really doesn't need friends or people to talk to for he is his own person. But when Cuda learns about Mrs. Santini's suicide, is mistakenly thinks Martin killed her and made it look like a suicide as he's done before. Cuda walks into Martin's room while he is asleep and kills him by hammering a wooden stake through Martin's heart.
Cuda buries Martin's body in his back garden, while over the closing credits various voices from people are heard talking to the radio show host asking the whereabouts of "the Count".
还不错的喜剧片，梗都还不错，轻松一笑，阵容挺喜欢。
设定很逗
幻想能治愈孤独 制造浪漫 能和家具老车狗子对话实在是很浪漫的事情 最喜欢狗子 打架的时候笑死我了
开片不到5分钟，烂片必备的要素全齐了。演技浮夸、逻辑狗屁不同的毛病全齐活了。
全片一个庄园，总共出现4个人，故事稀松平淡，小夫妻和劫匪度过了整整一天一夜居然没事情做在那聊上了，劫匪是一个朴素的好人，只是想偷些钱，找到了一把手枪，被回来的小夫妻发现，也没有想杀他们，只想拿更多钱离开这里，要求15w美金，男主人笑了说15w美金有什么生活质量开口给他40w美金😂 男主人屁话太多，激怒了劫匪，劫匪心地善良还是想算了，离开这里就没事了，原本想杀掉丈夫陷害园丁，最后看到劫匪离去，女主人站起身杀了劫匪和射杀了老公，把枪塞到劫匪手里（庄园是我的理想型）
完全没有评价里那么差，也完全不是烂片的节奏，很多小梗挺逗的，豆瓣对国产永远是这么苛刻，换成日本片分分钟飙7.5分。故事立意其实挺好，君子慎独，越是一个人的时候越要控制好自己，万物有灵，都在注视着你。最后林狗的出场虽然惊喜，但是有点出戏啊。
哈哈哈这两颗星全给电影最后的林狗和九亿少女的梦，林狗竟然还是个边牧～笑不活了
整个剧组都成了东北口音该怎么破，太怀念我在东北的日子了，没想到焦艳俊大美女也被带偏了
最近真的很多网漫改编成电影或者是电视剧的，照这个趋势走的话，感觉很多导演应该会越来越上心，毕竟有竞争力了，所以还是抱有期待的。
天马行空的幻想无厘头，整体看下来轻松有趣。每一个静物和动物的拟人都很有特色，绿色植株很有魅力，大黄狗和阿震每次的对手戏都笑点满满，老Beatle部分最佳。
我一个看电影从来有始有终的人，这部看到三分之二我一秒钟都看不下去了！怎么能这么烂！什么东西！
笑点太“直男癌”了 但是和各种物体的对话还是蛮有意思man浪漫的 花妞good job
挺喜欢焦俊艳的，但是老拍这种质量的电影的话我真的不行
凑合吧，梗明明很有意思，演员也不错，就不知道为啥看着很没劲……中规中矩……老车告别的时候哪怕升华一点点都不至于这么差……
为啥去看？因为我朋友参演了，我想看看他。
除了富豪咆哮导致意外发生那段有点扯，之前都那么理智了，非因为等待的无聊然后逼急了？不至于，别的其实拍的很好啊，特别真实，真实到令人发笑
设定有趣，情节完整，角色有来有往，配角不尬戏，整体可看度很高。
电影里的猫猫狗狗都渴望脱单，大黄还贼努力，突然也好想有个对象啊
前面和劫匪闲聊打屁，轻松荒诞，感觉还不如搞一个合家欢的喜剧结尾，现在搞得有些不伦不类的。
这个编剧真的可以，脑洞大开，天马行空，国产剧很少涉及的奇幻题材，观感还算值得一看，几个桥段涉及精妙。
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